Imagine your partner telling you that he/she no longer finds you sexy. And imagine how long it would it take to bounce back from such a hurtful message that would, in most cases, obliterate someone's confidence level. It pains me to say I've had more than one client confess this type of trauma to me - and yes, trauma is precisely the right word to use here. It stings. They feel victimized. For some, the damage caused by someone saying this to them makes it hard for them to continue on with relationship coaching because it forces them to talk about it and hey, we only want to talk about the good stuff, right?
So, instead, they turn that other person's 'story' of them into something they believe to be true of themselves. They assume they aren't attractive after all. They think nobody else will want them. They have trust issues when someone compliments them. Leading with the belief that this jerk is now their ex, there's no question they are going to carry this damaged image of themselves into future relationships unless they take the necessary steps to leave that but*sh** in the past.
And I'd like to point out that people spewing such hurtful words likely don't feel that way about you at all. They are just dealing with their own crap and instead of owning up to their feelings, they lash out. There's a touch, if not a whole whack of narcissism going on there.
Curious to see just how attractive some people feel, I took it upon myself to interview 30 women and asked them, on a scale of 1-10, how sexy they feel.
This was a group of women aged 25-55, from all different backgrounds and all shapes and sizes. Despite the mix of personalities, the average of how sexy they feel was a 5.
And it was interesting how the plus-sized women often felt sexier than the size 4 gals. So, see? It's all mental and how you choose to view your beauty inside and out.
In my research, I found the number five unfortunate, however, I shouldn't be so bold to say I feel like a 9 or 10 because that's just not true. I know I have to work on my own self perception like anybody else.
I'll give myself a 7.
Men have a much more difficult time broaching this subject with me, whether it’s one-on- one or when we’re in a session that includes their partner. Although no men were included in my study (yet!), I know many men who clearly don’t feel sexy unless they have the six pack on display in advertisements everywhere. You know, ones like the latest cologne where the man wearing it has a woman fawning over him as he walks down a beach glistening in water kinda thing.
That said, let's consider Jen Sincero's quote in her book, You are a Badass:
"Once you know what the beast looks like, you can slay it."
So, if not feeling sexy is the beast you face in the mirror, then it's time to slay that as*hole ego! I know you can do it. You can ERASE someone else’s perception of you (or what that person wanted you to think was their perception of you!) and discover what sexy looks and feels like to YOU and you only.
Own your sexiness. Wear your sexiness. And if you need encourangement from others to help you embrace your sexiness (have I said that word enough yet?), don't be afraid to ask for it! Self perception can be a zoo, I know, but wouldn't it be much more fun visiting the zoo if all of us fully embraced how fu**ing magnificent we are?
Remember: You're an amazing person in your own right. Unapologetically ask for what you want which should be someone, other than you, to appreciate every drop of beauty that oozes out of your pores.
You are the expert of yourself, not somebody else. You're sexy as F**K. Come on. SAY IT. Now say it again LOUDER. Say it until you believe it.
FOR KICKS: Stand naked in front of a mirror and don't stop looking until you decide what the physically sexiest part of you is :-)
And FORGIVE anyone who has tried to make you feel smaller than you are. That's their negative weight to carry - not yours.
Thanks for reading along and much love,